Thursday, July 24, 2008

Available URLs***

* is available, is not. (I can get away this type of talk because, if you recall, I voted for Obama in the primary.)

** No longer available. Seriously.

Monday, July 21, 2008

I'm Sure This Tattoo Will Look Great On Your Wrinkled, Mole-Ridden Back When You're 70

It will also be a great way for your grandkids
to learn that Grandma was a whore!

Friday, July 18, 2008

7 Really Gay Batman Covers

"Holy sodomy, Batman! You're a Furry!"

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

20 Actors I Want To Punch In The Balls

I'll admit, this is a totally arbitrary list. Maybe you'll agree with some of my choices, maybe you won't. The important thing to remember is that I'm right. Basically, these are actors who, for one reason or another, cause me great pain and suffering. Some famous, some not-so-famous. All deserving a good kick in the sack. They are the ones who, whenever they show up on screen, cause me to groan and say, "God, I fucking hate this guy..." Now, thanks to the wonders of the Internet, my pain is yours. Enjoy!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Why Must You Tease Me With Your Skort?

Damn you, woman. I only wanted to peek at your goodies when you sat down across from me on the subway. Is that so wrong, milady? But, you had to go and wear that infernal skort—not quite skirt, not quite shorts, created merely to frustrate deviant cads such as myself. And to answer your question, Yes, we are always trying to peek at your goodies. No matter where you are or what you're doing. Bris. Bake-Off. Skort Convention. Oh, your denim skort may have won today's battle, Sightseeing Midwestern Housewife On The 2 Train, but someday you'll run out of skorts and I--okay, enough already...

Jeez. Even I'm creeped out by this point.

Monday, July 7, 2008

These Guys Are Not Nearly As Funny As They Think They Are

Not to mention, the poster was funnier the first time I saw it.
When it was for this movie:

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Douchebaggery, Part Deux-che

Apparently, once you turn on the douchebag faucet in your brain, it's difficult to turn off. No matter where I was (Feline Day Spa) or what I was doing (having a "Me" day), more and more examples of douchebaggery kept popping into my head. So, if you felt left out the first time around, chances are you're probably featured this time.

Thus, without further delay,


If, at the risk of alienating 721,000 people, you bought Coldplay's new album last week.

If you gave your new album a title that's one word away from a Ricky Martin song. (I'm not sure if everyone in the band deserves this label, but Chris Martin seems a pretty sure bet.)

First, he names his kid Apple, now this?

If you've ever rented a stretch Hummer. (From which we can infer that, at some point, you stuck your head out the sunroof and yelled idiotically at the top of your lungs.)

If you've ever used the word "ginormous."

If you've ever worn a belt with whales on it. (Unless you were aged 7 or under.)

If you've ever appeared on any of VH1's appalling shows, particularly if you're one of the unfunny talking heads on Best Week Ever or any other show of its ilk.

If you're A-Rod.

If you ever began a sentence with, "Last night on Leno..."

If you believe there is a better ice cream flavor on the planet than Häagen-Dazs Chocolate Peanut Butter.

If you've ever gotten calf implants. (Yes, I'm referring to the first-rate d-bag from MTV's True Life, who then subsequently said, "I am now the complete package.")

If you ride a unicycle, tandem cycle or, worse, one of these:

Note the kickstand...

If you have tribal tattoos but are not affiliated with any tribe.

If you have tattoos covering your skinny little Williamsburg arms. And a pocket chain coming out of your skinny jeans to hold your wallet. Please. You're a little puss who went to some liberal arts college like Bowdoin or Middlebury because you didn't get in to an Ivy League school. You are not a badass. You're a graphic designer or IT guy or probably work in advertising or something. You are not "edgy." Get over it.

If you're the author of a self-absorbed, misanthropic blog.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

You Are A Douchebag


If you like the Yankees.

If you drive a Hummer. (Even Hummer drivers agree with this one.)

"Fuck you, Earth"

If you drive a Hummer and like the Yankees. (Douchebag doesn't begin to describe you. You deserve to be repeatedly punched in the face for at least an entire day.)

If you're a reporter for Access Hollywood or Entertainment Tonight or any other dumbass celebrity news show—especially if you’re this guy:

D-Bag extraordinaire

If you watch dumbass celebrity news shows. Go for a walk or read a book or something.

If you had anything to do with the most recent Indiana Jones film.

If you like John Mayer.

If you are John Mayer.

If you sit with your legs spread wide apart on the subway, taking up three seats. Unless you’re a Tijuana hooker, put your legs together, jerk. You’re not the only person on the train. And sit up straight, for God’s sake. Have some self-respect.

If you’re Roger Clemens.

If you’re one of the Republican clowns who kissed Clemens’s ass during his steroid testimony. (I’m looking at your ugly, vile mug, Dan Burton, R-IN.)

If you smoke cigars.

If you don't clean up your dog's shit and I end up stepping in it.
In flip flops. That is a truly disgusting experience. And, trust me,
you haven't stepped in shit until you've done so in flip flops.

If you don't consider The Wire to be among the greatest television programs of all time.

If you have a bumper sticker that says, "If it's not fun, why do it?"
Um, because I need to make money, asshole. Grow the fuck up.
Life's not all lollipops and ice cream.

If you have a bumper sticker that says,

Who the fuck cares?

If you wear skinny jeans and are not a chick.

If you stole my Mets hat from my dorm room in 1994. You know who you are, dick.

If you don't agree that puppies are furry angels sent down from heaven to watch over us.

If you react angrily after I honk at you for nearly colliding with me or cutting me off. You fucked up and I let you know about it—to ensure our safety. Please try to be mature about it.

If you continue to deny that Cheez-Its are America's #1 cheese-flavored snack cracker.

If you are over the age of 30 and still ride a skateboard or, even worse, a scooter.

If you’re not too old to skateboard, but insist on doing it even though you suck at it, i.e., if you’re one of those dickwads constantly trying tricks but all you do is fall and make lots of loud annoying noises. Cut it the fuck out. Go home already. (And, to answer your question: Yes, "dickwad" is back.)

If you wear a mustache to be ironic.

If you paid $80 for a "retro" heavy metal T-shirt that you only wear for ironic purposes. Don't wear a Shout At The Devil T-shirt because you think it’s funny—that album kicked ass when it came out. Don't mock what you don't know, you stupid cock.

If you've ever worn a Smurf T-shirt for ironic purposes. Those little blue guys kicked some serious ass when they came out.

Grouchy? More like douchey...

If you have dreadlocks and are white. (Almost too obvious an example of douchebaggery to even list here.)

If, back in 1979, you told me all the gum in ShopRite was free and then when we got home told mom and dad that I stole it.

If you placed the tacks on the bike path alongside the West Side Highway that recently gave me a flat tire.

If you like the Yankees. Did I already say that?

Congratulations. In a world full of
you're the biggest.

If you toss your cigarette butts on the ground or out your car window. How is that not considered littering?

If you think the American version of The Office is funnier than the original British one.

If you think the American version of The Office is funny.

If you told everyone in your high school that your ex-girlfriend banged the entire town. Okay, so that douchebag was me. But, that slut did bang the entire town! Or so I will baselessly claim until the day I die.

If you have a blog.


Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Do You Like Things That Are Funny?

I certainly do. And if this doesn't make you laugh,
it's probably because you were unloved as a baby.

That genius you see is John Roberts, writer and star—not to be
confused with
John G. Roberts, Jr., Chief Justice of the United
States Supreme Court