Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Monday, June 22, 2009

Another Note From Johnny's Cleaning Lady

"Hello. The dog vomited on the living room rug. I clean up. Please buy Soft Scrub. Thank you."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Johnny's Summer Reading Series: "Welcome To Dadhattan"

Believe me, I know how hard it is to read things not written by Johnny. But, I ask you—nay, I beg you—to make an exception this one time. Welcome To Dadhattan is a knee-slapping, rib-tickling, ball-tingling feature article written by a dear, dear friend of mine. And odds are, if you like Johnny's writing, you'll like his. Trust me...

It's the cover story in this week's New York Press, but you can read it on your Internet machines here. Enjoy, Johnnyheads!


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Subway Stories 7: “Your ‘Silent But Deadly’ T-Shirt Makes A Compelling Case For Me To Sit Elsewhere”

Initially, I believed this was just another one of those countless shirts—e.g., I’d Rather Be Playing Halo 3 or got weiner? or Liberty Mutual Summer Outing ’04—that cause me to ask myself, Why would anyone wear that? Then it hit me: Who, in their right mind, wants to sit next to the guy wearing the Silent But Deadly T-shirt? Nobody, that’s who. Unless you’re the weird freak who gets off on smelling other people’s flatulence.

Most fetishes I can, if not understand, at least try not to judge. Enjoy fornicating in a tub of chicken broth? Not my thing, but knock yourself out. Like masturbating with one hand while crushing insects with the other? Weird and disturbing, but if it makes you happy, fine. But, enjoying the smell of other people’s farts? You are a psychopath and need to be locked up.

Speaking of fetishes, a brief aside regarding the recent suspicious death of actor David Carradine—found dead a couple weeks back, hanging naked in the closet of his Bangkok hotel room. The upstanding Thai authorities claim it was suicide. But, the Carradine family, unconvinced, has hired their own private autopsy expert—and gotten the FBI involved—to prove otherwise. They wish to preserve his dignity by proving to the world that he did not kill himself…but died while beating off with a noose around his neck. Thank God, they're close to clearing his good name!

Okay, back to the shirt. Does wearing the Silent But Deadly shirt make the subway guy a genius? I have to say yes. After all, I chose to stand for 20 minutes instead of sitting next to him. (Granted, I was wearing a Sitting Is For Asses T-shirt.) Same with everyone else on the train. As long as he’s wearing that shirt, he’ll be riding in comfort on planes, trains and automobiles, i.e., buses, for the rest of his days. Unless he runs into a fart fetishist. Then he's fucked.

Thursday, June 11, 2009