Friday, September 25, 2009

The Creepiest Thing Johnny's Ever Seen...

Riverside Drive at 87th Street, 9/25/09


Thursday, September 17, 2009

Swayze: Pussy Or Badass?

Let me begin with: R.I.P., Dalton. You were the best bouncer who ever lived and the world is a lesser place without you. You will be missed. Secondly, has there ever been an actor who was a bigger combination of total badass (Road House, Point Break) and total pussy (Dirty Dancing, Ghost) than Patrick Swayze? I don't think so.




Maybe, in a few years, we'll be able to make a point for Hugh Jackman (Wolverine vs. The Boy From Oz).


But, as of now, no one can touch Swayze. He could beat you in a dance-off or a kickboxing competition. He could catch bigger waves while robbing banks than you and create more beautiful pottery than you.

You are nothing compared to Swayze.

Johnny actually encountered Swayze a few years back at the Atlantis in the Bahamas. The year was 2004 and, after much goading, I agreed to go down the resort's vaunted "Leap Of Faith," a waterslide with a 60 ft. vertical drop down a Mayan Temple which propels you at the bottom—via glass tube—through a shark-filled lagoon.

Needless to say, Johnny was terrified. Had I known who was behind me, perhaps I would've felt much better. But, all I saw was a horrifying drop before me and dozens of sharks below me. Still, somehow, I forced myself over the edge. The slide was so steep, for a brief moment, I had air before falling back on the slide. I slid down, exhilarated, past the sharks, emerging into the open (sharkless) pool. Holyfuckingshit! I remember thinking. Another body, obviously traveling much faster than myself, arrived right on my heels, almost crashing into me. I turned around and it was Patrick Swayze. Cool, I thought, noticing how tiny he was. Like a little pygmy, but totally ripped. A pocket Swayze, if you will. Had a shark somehow escaped from its tank and approached us, it would not have surprised me in the least if he turned to me and said, "Excuse me for a moment," and then proceeded to punch the shark repeatedly in the face. Sadly, that didn't happen. But, what did happen might have been even more awesome. We both climbed out of the water and, immediately, he was surrounded by a small entourage. One person wrapped him in a towel and another handed him—I swear to God—a lit cigarette. Meanwhile, his kids ran over and wrapped themselves around his legs.

Cigarette in mouth. Kids around his legs. The ultimate representation of his Badass/Pussy dichotomy.

R.I.P., Patrick Swayze. I'll never go down an impossibly steep waterslide atop a Mayan temple through through shark-infested waters without thinking of you again.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Johnny's Back

Sorry about the temporary shutdown/meltdown, Johnnyheads. You know we couldn't stay apart forever, right? Johnny's back and he's more than ready to make it up to you. Brace yourself for an explosion of prose the likes of which you've never seen. My sticky, milky words will soon be dripping down all of your beautiful faces. Unable to resist, you'll put some on your finger and rub it all over your lips. Mmmmmmmm. Tastes good, right?

Fuck yeah, it does.

Johnny's back, motherfuckers.

Fuck Off, Johnnyheads

Who do you people think you are? Johnny repeatedly pours out his heart and soul, berating everyone from the fuck-happy Duggars to shit-happy subway defecators, and—aside from Gleemonex (God bless her heart)—there's nary a comment?

What the fuck?

It's enough to make Johnny—to take a page out of MSG's playbook—consider shutting down the old site.

Have you lost your love for Johnny? Has the magic ended?

Methinks so.

So long, Johnnyheads...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

"Fire! Fire!"


Old friends Beavis and Butt-Head are back to help promote Mike Judge's latest film, "Extract."
Please don't ever leave us again.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Like You’ve Never Abducted, Imprisoned And Inseminated An 11-Year Old Girl For 18 Years In A Backyard Compound Made Up Of Sheds And Tents


Philip Garrido, devoted rapist and father of rape-babies, Starlet and Angel.
He’s also been linked to the killings of 10 prostitutes—and I thought I was an overachiever!