Thursday, December 31, 2009

Suck It, 2009

You made 2008, heretofore the dickiest year on record, look like a walk in the fucking park. Don't let the door fuck you in the ass on your way out, asshole year.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Johnny's Top 50 Porn Titles Of 2009

Note From The Editor, i.e., Johnny: These are actual titles of actual videos. I swear to God, i.e., Johnny, they have not been altered in any way whatsoever. Doing so would not only be insensitive to the filmmakers; it would also impinge upon the integrity of this list. One additional note: The honorees were chosen for their titles, not their content—lest you think Johnny gets off watching middle-aged housewives get fucked by black men and filmed by white husbands. (Which he does.)

So, without further adieu, I give you, in no particular order, the Top 50 Porn Titles of the year. Let the beating off begin...

* * *

Japanese Massage Fuck 6
Carlo Slim Presents Jack Napier's Housewives Gone Black
European Couple Leave Wedding To Fuck
Silver Balls
Another Noisy Wife Gets Fucked and Creampied by a Couple of Black Guys
Throat-Fucked Veronica Lynn Gets A Jizz Face
Carlo Slim Presents Booty Talk 23
Mexican Shower
Please Master, Can I Suck Your Cock?
Hairy Amateur Wife Pumping Her Bush, Part 2: "The Back Door"
My Chinese Friend Is Sucking Her Husband
Those Are Huge Fucking Jugs
A Cornucopia Of Cumshots
Two Irish Girls From Dublin Get Fucked
German Orgy 3
Wife Sucking A Co-Worker
Great MILF Smoking Cigarette BJ
Fucked On A Billiard Table
Prostitute Irina Kurochkina Masturbates Her Shaved Pierced Cunt
Kenzi Marie Tells You How To Jerk Off
Pantyhose Secretary
Melissa Gets Brutalized In A Double Penetrating Threesome
Fatty Mature Mom With A Big Ass Seducing A Stranger
Old German Women Hotel
Amateur Granny With Tranny
Let Me Check Your Wound
Hairy Armpits Woman: MARION BUSH
A La Prison De Femmes
Stunning Arab Girl Fucks A Dildo, Pt. 2
Hairy Mature Strips With Superb Commentary
Girls Try Each Other Because Their Boyfriends Have Small Dicks!!!
Sucking Then Fucking Myself
Cytheria: Pussy Fountain
Germany Panty Handjob Pleasure
Deep Hot Chocolate Shemale Ass
Mrs. B Dildo Hard & Creampie
Mature Office Lady Gets Laid
Beauty Hairy Asian Tiny Tit Japanese Babe Creampie Banged
Shove It In Bing's Tight Ass
Two Chicks Fisting Each Other And Fucked Anal With A Guy
A Foot Of Black Cock...70
Grandma In The Nursing Home
Filming His Swinger Wife With A Black Man
Sex Safari 3
Vanessa Del Rio As Vampire Woman
Furry Hole Just Won't Close
Amber Rayne Psycho Handjob
Indiana Bell: Super MILF
German Pussies Need Tender Lovin' Care...
Tiny Tits Tanner Rides Her Stepdad's Hard Cock And Facial
Granny Valentine

Friday, December 11, 2009

Johnny Breaks His Silence: "Tiger's Cock Tasted Like A Reese's Stick"

Well, as you've no doubt heard by now, Johnny's also been having a torrid affair with Tiger Woods. What started in 2007 as a fling after he saw me dancing in Vegas quickly evolved into a two-year cross-country fuckfest.

But, before you condemn me, before you label me "homewrecker" and judge me from your mighty perch, know this: You haven't had cock until you've had a one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African American, one-eighth Native American, and one-eighth Dutch cock like Tiger's. And, no, having a fivesome with a Chinese dude, a Thai dude, a Black dude, an American Indian dude and a Dutch dude does not count. Trust me, I won't make that mistake again.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Breaking News: Johnny Also Fucked Tiger Woods

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.

I will strive to be a better person. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.


Friday, December 4, 2009

Bah Fucking Humbug

Well, it's started.

Johnny gets home yesterday after a long day teaching inner-city schoolchildren, and what does he find in his mailbox? In addition to the latest issue of Chocolate Pussies, Johnny found a goddamn Christmas card. I'm still crapping out last week's turkey, for crissake.

The nerve of some people, trying to spread goodwill and cheer! The card's only redeeming quality was the fact it didn't contain one of those photocopied form letters along with it, updating you on the fabulous events of the past year. You know the ones I’m talking about. And if you don't, allow me to enlighten you with an excerpt from Johnny's previously posted non-erotic fiction opus, Tongue & Tail. Enjoy!

* * *

Greetings! Well, this past year has been quite a whirlwind for us. John was recently promoted to Vice President of Midwest Regional Sales—he’s busy but he loves it. I’ve got my hands full with the kids, but I’ve still got time for my projects (Did someone say embroidery!?!). John Jr. scored his first basket last week (like father, like son!) and Lori is excelling in ballet (she looks like a little princess in her outfit!). Somehow, we fit in a trip for the whole family to Florida (Mickey & Minnie for the kids and some much needed R&R for mom and dad!). Life couldn’t be better for us! Merry Christmas!

Just once, I wish someone had the balls to send out a letter detailing how the year really went.

Well, John got fatter. What’d you expect from someone who sits on the couch every night and drinks a sixer of Bud? And, let’s face it, I’m no prom queen either. I spend most of my days ironing and watching Oprah (I couldn’t believe it when she gave every audience member a brand-new Pontiac!). No wonder we haven’t had sex in nearly two years. Not that John can get it up anymore, anyway. (Thanks, Rogaine!) As for the kids, well, to be honest, they’re a real pain-in-the-you-know-what. John Jr.’s one of the slower (“special”) kids in his class and is, hands down, the least popular. He’s always picked last for sports, though he is excelling in ballet. He’s—how shall we say it?—a bit soft. Okay, he’s gay. We all know it. It’s just a matter of time. John Sr. barely says two words to him. As for Lori, well, she’s, hands down, the most popular—with the boys. Okay, she’s a slut. All mid-riff, thong and ass-crack. We’d send her off to private school if John’s drinking habit hadn’t prevented him from getting that promotion. Still, we feel blessed! Merry Christmas!

'Tis the fucking season indeed.