Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Friday, August 13, 2010

Hysterical!


Just what television needs: another comedy about cancer...
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Monday, August 2, 2010

Fuck Yeah, She Does


It's about goddamn time...
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Thursday, July 15, 2010

Monday, July 12, 2010

Chilax...

Hate to break it to you, but you're an asshole if you've ever used that term before.
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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Yawn, Part Deux...

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Friday, June 11, 2010

Yawn...


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Thursday, May 27, 2010

Two Cunts Up!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Pardon Me Coworker, But If You Lick Your Finger Once More While Handing Out Those Sheets Of Paper, I Will Jump Across The Table And Rip Your Heart Out

How difficult is it to separate and distribute sheets of paper? Unless you have hooks for hands, it's a pretty simple process, no? So why do some people feel the need to put a finger in their mouth, lick it, then grab a piece of paper with said finger and hand it over? What are you, two? How disgusting is that? Why would I or anyone want a piece of paper with your AIDS-infected saliva all over it?

Grow the fuck up and learn how to separate paper in a more proper and sanitary manner before handing it out, dickheads.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

What Johnny's Currently Reading

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Boy, was I mistaken about what this book was about.
..
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Friday, April 30, 2010

Johnny's Famous...

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Is Johnny opening a chain of Tex-Mex restaurants? I fucking wish. As do you, Johnnyheads. Trust me, my Mexiloaf would blow your fucking minds, then blow out your tight little assholes, you tight little assholes.

These shots were actually taken from a recent episode of Lost—which oddly enough I wrote about shortly before this episode aired. It's a remarkable coincidence, one which feels somehow appropriate due to the mystical nature of the show. Some might call it serendipity. But not me because that word reminds me of that gay movie with John Cusack. You know the one—Must Love Dogs. Johnny prefers the word kismet. Much, much less gay.
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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Subway Stories 12: Like You've Never Thrown Away A Perfectly Good Walker In The Bowels Of The New York City Subway System





Seriously, what the fuck?

Who throws away a walker at the Times Square subway station?
Crack babies, used condoms, even Walker, Texas Ranger figurines I get.

But a walker?

There can only be one rational explanation: An ambulatory-challenged person, or "cripple," as they like to be called, was waiting for the 1 train when he or she was approached and then miraculously healed by the magic, open-sored hands of a crazy lunatic homeless man spouting Philippians 4:13 ("He who smelt it, dealt it.").

If you can think of a better explanation, Johnny would like to hear it.
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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Iranian Cleric: "Skanky Women Cause Earthquakes"

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First of all, duh. Secondly, this is in direct contrast to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's past statements claiming that the Jews were responsible for earthquakes—as well as floods, volcanic eruptions and Mandy Patinkin.

(Editor's Note: At press time, only Mandy Patinkin could be confirmed as being the fault of the Jews.)
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Monday, April 19, 2010

Goldman Sachs: Has There Ever Been A Bigger Collection Of Douchebags?


All that money, but still bald. Suck it, nerds!
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Monday, April 12, 2010

Holy Fucking Shit

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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

“Um, I Believe That’s Fungal...”

Five words you definitely don’t want to hear from anyone, let alone your physician. But that’s indeed what Johnny heard earlier today from Dr. Feelgood. Was he pointing to my balls? No. At least not at that moment. He was pointing to a group of small red welts nestled in the ample thatch that constitutes my chest bush.

Charming.

Let’s go over what you’ve learned about Johnny today:
(1) Johnny doesn’t wax or shave his chest like most pussy guys.
Sawyer’s chest on Lost is smoother than a newborn’s—and most Greek women’s. Fucking ridiculous, if you ask me.



With all the shit he has to worry about on that island—foraging for food, making sure that fat fuck Hurley doesn’t eat it all (Why is he still so fat? He lives on a desert island, for fuck’s sake), trying to bang Kate, trying to not get killed by that smoke monster, trying to bang Kate, traveling through time, and so on and so forth—he’s still vain enough to make sure his chest is bare? Are you kidding me? Can you imagine what his balls look like? His beautiful, smooth as freshly-picked Macouns, balls. Where was I? Oh, right. Sawyer’s magnificent balls. Smooth as a pair of neo-Nazi’s heads. Anyway, back to his bare chest. Where exactly is he getting all these razors? And don’t you dare say, “The DHARMA Initiative”! Goddamn, this devolved into a nerdy discussion.

(2) Johnny watches Lost.
But mainly to see if they'll ever show Kate in her panties again. Or Sawyer's balls.



(3) Johnny is obsessed with Sawyer’s balls.
His breathtaking, smooth as an infant's head emerging from the vagina of a Macoun-eating neo-Nazi, balls.

(4) Johnny’s chest bush is repulsive.
Even without the red welts, it wasn’t exactly a pretty picture, looking like something out of a Burt Reynolds film. One can only imagine it now.

(5) Johnny’s Dr. Feelgood reference means he either loves Mötley Crüe or heroin.
Though, according to the reputable Urbandictionary.com, Dr. Feelgood also refers to the following: “When a guy puts his penis in his girlfriend’s ass and uses the friction from moving in and out to loosen her up when she is feeling constipated, e.g., My girlfriend was feeling stuffed up so I gave her a Dr. Feelgood."

Hot stuff. No doubt women across America are requesting just such a thing right now. I’d love to oblige them, but I’m off to the pharmacy to get some anti-fungal cream.

Anyone who wishes to watch me rub it into my chest bush—I’m looking at you, MSG—please check back to this site tonight at 8pm EST. I’ll be doing a live webcast. Followed by a Dr. Feelgood—tune in to see whether that means it'll be me doing heroin, listening to Mötley Crüe, or banging some broad in the can. Or, if the stars align, a combination of all three.
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Monday, March 22, 2010

Johnny's Back, Motherfuckers

Fuck yeah. Johnny's back in the mother fucking hou--what's that? You didn't even notice I was gone? Are you shitting me?

I pause Road House moments before Dalton is about to make love to Elizabeth "Doc" Clay—portrayed pitch-perfectly by Kelly Lynch—to check in with you assholes and you weren't even I aware I'd been away? Johnnyheads, how could you be so insensitive?

You know what? Fuck you guys. I don't need this shit. I do this as a public fucking service. (God, wouldn't it be awesome if there actually was an entity known as the Public Fucking Service? A pro-bono organization that arranged and coordinated public acts of fornication, solely for our amusement and/or participation? "Putting It Inside, Outside. Since 1948." Now back to my tirade.)

Suck it, Johnnyheads. Go read Perez Hilton or even worse, Mega Superior Gold. (Please. We all know they're the same person.)
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Sunday, March 7, 2010

Subway Stories 11: Recession? What Recession?


No, your life's going well if you respond to this ad.
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Monday, March 1, 2010

Canada: The Epitome Of Culture And Sophistication




Nice beaver, Canada.


Ditto.


If I had a nickel for every time I've seen William Shatner emerge from the ice...
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Monday, February 15, 2010

"Ow! My Freakin Ears!" Part Deux


As if the people of Haiti haven't suffered enough...
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Friday, February 12, 2010

Yawn, Part Deux


How do you say, "Who cares?" in Canadian?


Summer of 69 Medalist Bryan Adams, who still has acne of Olympian proportions.
Beijing
should've been so lucky...
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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Who Are The Kardashians And Why Would I Want To Keep Up With Them?

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And what the fuck does Bruce Jenner have to do with anything?
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Monday, February 8, 2010

Hee Hee

Monday, February 1, 2010

Sergio!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

"A Rosie O'Donnell Celebration": Four Words That Send Me Running From My TV


Premieres this Sunday at 7pm on HBO.
Come up from that muff for an hour and watch it!

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Subway Stories 10: Funny Mustaches On People's Faces = Comedy Gold

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96th Street and Central Park West


This will always be funny.


This, too. Especially in conjunction with a funny mustache.
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Saturday, January 23, 2010

TIVO ALERT: Don't Miss Tonight's "Hope For Those Who Had To Listen To Coldplay During Last Night's 'Hope For Haiti Now Telethon' Telethon"


It's time to stop looking the other way. These innocent victims need your help.
Please donate today.

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Monday, January 11, 2010

The New York Sophisticates And Elitists Have Spoken, Part Deux


M5 Bus, NYC, 9:23am

Crudely drawn cocks. As Superbad taught us, they are always, always funny. No matter where you spot one. I saw this lovely rendering on the bus this morning. And yes, I got a few stares when I took a picture of it. Please. Like you've never stood up on a crowded, moving bus, forced your way between two commuters and taken a photo of a handdrawn cock next to a woman's mouth? This particular depiction was eerily similar to a snow depiction (that's right, a snow depiction—you can see it here if you don't believe me) I happened upon a year ago this week. Of course, aren't all handdrawn cocks eerily, beautifully similar? After all, there are only so many ways to draw one. Though, I'm partial to a little more squiggly bush, along with something I like to call a "cartoon cum caption." Something like this:



Conclusion: If you're lucky enough to see a similar cock rendering defacing something in your neighborhood, odds are, Johnny was there.
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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Zach Galifianakis = Genius

Johnny had a chance to watch The Hangover again over the holidays. Goddammit, that is a mind-blowingly funny film. Brilliant, hysterical stuff. And while the entire cast is outstanding, it is Zach Galifianakis's performance that will stick with you. He's as original as they come—as evidenced by his perfectly-titled online talk show:



Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself: