No, This Makes Sense...

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Johnny beats off.
A lot.

This isn't a confession or a dirty secret. It's reality. It's what guys do—pretty much whenever they have a free moment. Jon Stewart said it best during an old stand-up performance: "You're lucky I'm here."

Of course, for most guys it takes more than a free moment—it takes the Internet. Long gone are the days when pure imagination or the Macy's Sunday circular would suffice.

Which brings me to yesterday evening. To warm up for the main event—recently unearthed toilet cam footage from the set of The Golden Girls—Johnny was trolling the web for photos of super-hot Mad Men star Christina Hendricks—recently named Esquire's sexiest woman alive.



In the midst of all this beauty, Johnny made a ghastly discovery.

Not only is Christina married, but she's married to this fucking ghoul:





Are you fucking kidding me?

In a world of what the fucks...what the fuck!?!

Needless to say, my evening session was canceled, much to my dick's disappointment. No video of Rue McClanahan or Estelle Getty—no matter how wonderfully sordid—could get me past this.

Thanks, God.

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